A Working Mom

While I was at home with Lucy for her first six months, I really never ever thought about work. I never missed it, I never thought about the kids at school, I never planned for what I was going to do when I went back, I never wondered what I was missing. I was happy being at home - I loved spending every day with Lucy, I loved knowing everything she did, every new thing she learned . . .every smile that crossed her face. I had plenty of work with things at church and I was amazed how busy life still seemed to be even without going to work from 7 - 4 or so.

And then came January when my leave was over and it was time to go back to work. I knew it would be difficult to leave Lucy, but Michael would be at home with her through February and the thought of leaving her at home with her Daddy made things so much easier. Back at work, it seemed to be easy to just fall back into making music every day. And I won't lie, being at HES is just easy in general! We started getting ready for a program, playing recorders and I found myself enjoying getting up for work, staying busy all day, and then once the kids were gone, excited to go home. We settled into a great routine and before I knew it, my spring break came along. Those three weeks at home were great and we had so much fun.

Back to school for that last nine weeks was more difficult. Lucy began staying with a babysitter during the day. Don't get me wrong - we love her babysitter and she seems to be so happy going there. She is all smiles when you pick her up and always waves goodbye and smiles to her Daddy when he drops her off in the morning. But somehow things are different for me. . . now I have the "Mommy Guilt." It doesn't always come out - there are some weeks where things are fine. But moments will arise where I wonder if working is what I am supposed to do. Am I being selfish by working at a job I love? Should I be at home with Lucy right now? After all, way down deep in my heart I know that I would love nothing more than to be a stay at home mom - at least 'til my kids are out of elementary school. And then there was the wonderful "Friend of a friend" who decided to comment on how if you really try, you can make it work so that "someone else isn't raising your kids for you."

And then today, I had to leave a pitiful, sick little girl at home with her Daddy while I went to work. I cried as I drove to school today, knowing that it was foolish for me to take a day off work (when I don't have any!) since it's Michael's day off and he will be home. But still, I wanted to be the one to hold her and take her to the doctor and do whatever was necessary to help her feel better. And all day at work, I thought about her and that "mommy guilt" kept creeping into my head. How do you know if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing? Was I making the right choice to be a working mom?

And then, these tiny little reminders started to come my way . . . the little boy who hugged me on his way into class and told me that he was glad it was Monday because that meant it was music day. . . . the 1st grader in the autistic class who walked up to me in the hall with outstretched arms for a hug which two years ago he would have hidden behind his teacher from me. . . .the 5th grader who brought me a clip to hold papers that she bought this weekend because she loves music and thought of me. . . the teachers who comment on the songs they already hear their kids singing when they come back to class. So while the "mommy guilt" probably won't go away, I know that I'm where I need to be for now. I love what I do, I'm good at what I do, and if I can bring some joy to these students' lives for 30-45 minutes, then it's worth it. While many of my students have as happy a home life as my little girl, there are many more that do not. Some have parents that are going through a divorce, some don't have food to eat when they go home, some have parents who have lost their jobs and are having a difficult time, some are having to take care of their baby brothers and sisters while parents are busy, and then there are some who have issues that none of us know yet. Many of these children have to be so grownup when they leave school - they have difficult lives and have faced more challenges than most of us have. ( or at least more than I have!) School can be hard too - but music class shouldn't be. Music class should be about being creative and finding joy in what you're doing. And I am going to be there, allowing them the opportunity, even if only twice a week for 30 minutes to find an escape from the things that might be difficult for them. This is where I should be. And that doesn't make me less of a mother to my child. . . I hope that someday she has a teacher who makes a difference in her life as many made a difference in mine. And I hope that someday I might have the chance to make a difference for one of my students as well.